This is the title of the third episode of an Amazon Original named Modern Love. This post isn’t about the show, it’s about me and how relatable it was for me. I watched Modern Love almost a month back now and since then I’ve been debating on whether I should write about this or not. The episode is about a woman named Lexi, portrayed by Anne Hathaway, she is Bipolar. If you’ve read some of my posts then you’ll know this by now that I’m Bipolar too. I was diagnosed clinically and this post is about how everything made sense when I found out I have Bipolar Disorder.
So a little trip down the memory lane, let’s talk about me in the eighth grade because before that everything was pretty normal, I mean nothing ever has been normal but you get that right. So, I had my first depressive episode in eighth grade. It was monsoon and I remember clearly I decided to not go to school because it was raining heavily and my mom approved. So, I stayed back home watching TV, reading the history book chapter that was supposed to be in the exam, eating and every normal day-to-day stuff. My mom went to office and my grandparents went upstairs after lunch to sleep and I was alone downstairs watching TV and having a good time by myself. I don’t quite remember what I was watching, it was probably Vh1 but I remember music, really upbeat. I don’t know what triggered what happened next to me. I curled up in my bed, I didn’t even bother switching off the TV. I was just there lying on my bed, staring at the fan on my ceiling and thinking about nothing. I was blank. I had no idea what was happening. I couldn’t find the will to get up and switch off my TV. I couldn’t even fall asleep. It was a state of anxiety that I cannot put into words. I really wish I could. My grandparents came downstairs in the evening and they found me like that. They thought I was feeling sick, I was though, but not the sick they thought it was. I was numb and what was frustrating is that I don’t know why. I went back to school after 3 days and had to continue living through those depressive episodes. One day out of the blue, I was fine again. I was cheerful and my life was back to being the Disney Musical that I try to make it. Now that year went on like this and so did the rest of my school life, nothing that I can highlight. So that pageant that I took part in when I was 13. It was a week long procedure. Those were my manic episodes. I felt really happy, hopeful and energized throughout the grooming classes and the auditions before that. Everyone loved me. Now on the finals, I woke up feeling the same way I did during the rest of the days, went to our venue, the makeup artists were there. We got ready. Right after the committee members told us that it was our turn to introduce ourselves, it happened. It came back. It was like dark clouds covering up my perfect days with sunshine and warmth. I couldn’t walk but I couldn’t back out, so I went to the stage anyway and completely messed it up. Everyone over ruled it as they thought I was just 13 and it was normal to be nervous. I wish I told them I wasn’t anxious or nervous. I wish I told them I didn’t know what I was feeling. People in school know me as a happy-go-lucky girl who is a bit crazy, talkative and loves socializing. That is not me. That has never been me. I regret putting up this front because no one really knew me and sometimes I wish they did, maybe I’d have more friends now. But anyway, I went for my first therapy session. My doctor was really nice. She performed a bunch of tests on me and next time I went in I had the results. Bipolar I Disorder.
The diagnosis kind of changed my Outlook of life. I understood my behavior. But that was not enough. I had to apologize to everyone at school and I did. Luckily, most of them were really embracing about it. The others, well, they didn’t really care. They thought it was an act to make amendments. I think they still do but that’s probably because they don’t know what being Bipolar is like. Now after my diagnosis the story is kind of different. I never make friends without letting them know that I am Bipolar because I believe this is something I need to be transparent about and stop treating it like a stigma. I have some people I know who self-diagnosed themselves because they have mood swings. There in lies the issue. It is so much more than just mood swings. I am so irritated by them. That’s not the worst part trust me. When I tell someone I’m having a bad day, they don’t understand. They think something happened, someone said something to me and I am feeling down because of that. It’s not that. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what is making me feel down. They overrule it as a normal mood swing. Normal.. That’s what it always is right ? None of their remedies work. No amount of binge watching, chocolates or conversations work. I just feel like laying on my bed and doing nothing. Another thing that they overrule by calling me “lazy”. If they saw me on my Disney Musical days, that’s probably the last thing they’d call me.
There’s that. Opening up about my mental illness felt like a huge weight being lifted off my chest. I don’t want to step into the new decade with so many secrets. I want you to know me and want to be around me only if you think you can handle me even when I’m going through those rough days. And I want you to stop diagnosing yourself, reach out for professional help and then open up about things you’re going through. I love you. You’ll get through it. I am too.
Learn more about Bipolar Disorders here.
Until next time,
Milly.
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